this.girl.
Seriously the most stubborn human being I have EVER met. I almost posted this…
…with the caption “this is NOT my favorite child this morning” #stubborn #nonverbal #battleofwills”
The battle of wills is what made me stop and think and work backwards to identify what could have possibly set this off…
The refusal to eat breakfast was made abundantly clear by the astute timing and placement of her banana for me to find upon reentering the car after signing them in 30 minutes late.
The refusal to wear a long-sleeved shirt and/or jacket when it was 48 degrees outside and standing outside in her pajamas for 10 minutes to show she wasn’t cold.
The refusal to move unless I manually manipulated her body.
The refusal to move from off of the floor for 1 hour.
The refusal to speak. The entire morning.
The refusal to look at pictures on my phone that her dad had sent of his vacation, while we were all crowded in my bed trying to keep warm. She turned the other way.
Her indignation that she was accused of bending her brother’s finger backward.
Competing with her brother for space in my bed trying to get warm under the covers.
I finally figured it out. Along with some personal reflection and deeper insight.
In the midst of the injustice of being accused of doing something she hadn’t done (or at least on purpose), her feelings were hurt and she shut down. She refused to look at the pictures, so I showed her siblings and then told them all to hop out of bed and get ready for school. As she was ever-so-slowly walking away, she quietly muttered to herself (or maybe just audible enough for me to hear-she’s deliberate like that), “I didn’t get to see the pictures”. I paused to let that sink in for her and she continued to inch toward the door.
I thought that this would be a poignant moment to illustrate what her stubbornness resulted in. A missed opportunity. It was unfortunate. She lost out. And I told her so.
A few minutes later, I found her curled up on the floor, silent and strong.
I didn’t get angry; I just let it go and we carried on. Until I looked at the clock and saw that school had started. Her brother was quietly reading oblivious to what was going on, and her sister was caught between onlooker and peacemaker. Gabriela tried to talk to Ema, bless her, but to no avail. That is when I let it get to me. It had been one whole hour. Couldn’t she see she was going to be late?? Did she not understand that she was making her siblings late to school as well?? She was being selfish by making us all bend to her will and setting off a chain reaction of lateness! On a normal day we are off to work after dropping the kids off at school; she was lucky I was going in later today.
After walking her downstairs and putting her backpack on her (still in pajamas), I made her put on whatever shoes were by the door (sandals) and wait next to the car exposed to 48 degrees for 10 minutes to inspire her to want a jacket (the siblings were already seat-belted in). I went to grab my wallet and tidied up the house a bit to give her some time. When enough time had passed, I came out to the garage and said, “hop in”. She let a single tear roll down her face and said that she didn’t want to go to school in her pajamas. Phew. I secretly worried they’d call me to come get her because she was in thin pajamas and it was only 48 degrees outside (or worse).
I told her to hurry upstairs and after a couple of minutes of hearing nothing, I went up and found her sitting there staring at her clothes that Gabriela has so carefully picked out for her during her one-sided “talk”. ARGH. I told her if she didn’t get dressed herself, I would do it for her and it wouldn’t be pleasant. She got dressed, albeit so slowly. I felt I finally had one small “win”.
While signing them in at school, the kids took turns grabbing their late passes and then I got two kisses goodbye. I looked up to find Ema and saw her already leaving the office. Without a kiss or a word. Fine. Be that way.
When I got back in the car and saw that the banana was placed on the console exactly where I place my phone, I thought, “ug! this kid is hard core!”
On the drive home I thought about this girl’s stubbornness, and how it’s in her DNA, proved over and over again since birth. And while it’s infuriatingly maddening, I know this can be a strength and quality that I want her to utilize and develop. How can I turn this around and see it as positive??
This question led my thoughts to how I could change, not her.
Ah, me not her. I knew this. How could I forget? It’s about me and my parenting. The offense wasn’t her refusal to see the pictures, it was me not hearing her side of the story when her brother was crying because his finger was bent backward. The offense was compounded by the fact that I was unwilling to show the pictures to her and show compassion.
I have found, in my life, that I have been an “all or nothing” kind of person.
In my relationship with my husband.
When I switched to eating plant-based.
When I start exercising.
When I clean the house.
When I measure my worth as a mother and as a person.
In my relationship with God.
This, and many other events, led to a near breakdown a few years ago. While I have made great strides in changing my thoughts, self, and relationship with God, I failed to apply my new tools this morning and defaulted to the old/”easy” way.
I have come to learn what unconditional love truly means. I can tell you it’s not battling out wills with a toddler or young child. Or anyone for that matter. It truly is stepping outside of yourself and your will, to see the other person and to look behind their wall. Their wall is protecting them.
I know this. Personally. A time will come when I share my story, but for now this suffices.
I don’t want my daughter’s message from me to be “I can’t love you/show affection/be kind when you are stubborn/throwing a fit/shutting down”. This was her take away message this morning. This message is garbage. I am better than that and she doesn’t need that in her life. There’s a whole world telling that lie. It is not true.
My daughter needs me to love her. No.Matter.What.
I once thought it was a sign of weakness; a parent bending to his/her child’s will. I have to remind myself, that I am not a weak parent because my children don’t do what I ask or what they have been told to do. In fact, it has taken so much strength (both my own and from God) to humble myself enough to find patience and a kind voice at times. It is not weakness to show empathy and love, forgiving and giving second (or third or fourth or fifth…) chances.
May I ever be as stubborn as my daughter is, in my resolution to be a person who loves unconditionally, and looks beyond the emotional walls.
